Nookie ain’t easy with a newborn around. Follow this guide to get back in action—that is, if you’re in the mood

By Wendy Walsh, PH.D.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I remember saying to my ob/gyn, “I can’t wait to get this baby out so I can have my life back.” Boy, was I delusional! At the very least, I had hoped sex would return to normal after I gave birth; while I was pregnant, I’d basically been wishing I could substitute a root canal for my man’s forays into my birth canal. Obviously, I spoke a little too soon.

Experts have now fondly coined the year after childbirth as “the second pregnancy.” It’s a curious time. Your hormones still rule your body, but there’s a new pair of dictators: oxytocin and prolactin, the female twins of love and bonding. Love for and bonding with your baby, that is. Not so much for your husband. Oh, you appreciate him, of course, and you’re super glad he’s around to help out, but the thought of him touching your tender, milk-producing orbs or going anywhere near that episiotomy wound, is, well…not so appealing.

Along these hormonal challenges to your libido, there’s the extreme fatigue that comes with new motherhood. Mothering an infant is like being in a Las Vegas casino: You can’t remember if it’s day or night and you can’t find the door out. This is fun if you’re in a cocktail dress and drinking Cosmos, but brutal if you’ve been in the same breast milk–stained sweats for two days.

So, who was that twisted ob/gyn who created the “you can resume sex after four weeks” rule? I guarantee you one thing: He was a man. The truth about postpartum sex is that there are only two hard-and-fast rules: Do it when you’re ready, and do only what feels good (which probably means not hard and not fast).

So, will you ever get your groove on and save your marriage? Well, yes, with time and a little help from the advice below. In the meantime, some creativity may be called for (see #5).

Ready When You AreOne other side effect of the postpartum period is that your once-reliable estrogen, the hormone that helps you lubricate and engorge down below, is nearly M-I-A. Sadly, estrogen levels can be lower for months, but artificial lubricants can be a big help. We like these gentle options: Astroglide Natural Personal Lubricant, $11, drugstore.com; Emerita Natural Lubricant, $10, emerita.com

1. Um, take a shower. We all know how tired you are. But, really, that greasy ponytail will only make you feel worse whenever you catch yourself in the mirror. Your sexual self will return more quickly with a little psychological transformation. Do your best to clean up every day and slip on a little lip gloss and mascara. It can do wonders for your self-esteem.

2. Talk it out. Give your man this article, and any other information that hits home with you, and talk to him about how you’re feeling. Let him know you’re aware he has needs, and you’d like to come up with a way to help out. Also remind him how much you love and appreciate him.

3. Put sex on the schedule. Some people think it sounds unromantic to make sex an item on the to-do list, but in that busy Vegas casino of round-the-clock diaper changes and feedings, you have to plan for it. You need to know when sex is coming up so you can get some sleep, shave your legs, and be “in the mood.” Don’t be afraid to do some mental psyching up, by the way. Spontaneous sex is rarely a new mother’s dream.

4. Consider DVDs and toys. Rather than breaking up your union, pornography and sex play can help strengthen your bond during times of stress. And the birth of a child ranks up there as one of the biggest marriage stressors. So don’t be shy. Help your darling baby-daddy find some inner peace, so all three of you can get some rest.

5. You don’t have to go all the way. Oral and manual stimulation still qualify as sex, and any pleasure can be a good stand-by in these trying times.

6. Analyze yourself. Is there a Madonna/whore issue? Not his—yours. Some new moms experience confusion when it comes to mothering and sex. It can be hard to integrate those two parts of your personality, especially when you factor in breastfeeding. A trained therapist can help you identify and work through these feelings, so reach out for help if needed.

Finally, remember that your family’s in transition and more changes lay ahead. Having children teaches you that life never stays static for long (like your baby’s sleep schedule) so just when you think know the pattern, things change again. Which means a newfound sex life is certainly in your future!

Wendy Walsh, Ph.D., has a doctorate in clinical psychology and specializes in human attachment. Read her blog at DrWendyWalsh.com.